Oopss...

He met me after class, in a discreet corner, away from other participants. After all, he himself was not a participant, but rather an observer.

"Puan, yang saya belajar, kalau ada turun gaji, macam ini simulasinya..."
He went on to explain what he'd learned, which was different from what I understood.

"Oh, but what I shared in the class is what I was taught by, hmm, I can't remember who. But that was what I remember. Anyway, I'll check on it. Thank you"

This morning I check it out with two persons - my desk officer and a more senior officer.

He was right.
I made a mistake.
In front of more than 30 headmasters/headmistresses.
Oopss...

Called the organizer.
Explained that I wanted to apologize for making a mistake.
And I explained the real method for him.
He double checked it by citing an example.
I confirmed it.

"Terima kasih puan telefon. Pagi ini bila penceramah lain bercerita macam lain, dah ramai yang keliru. Puan telefon dan jelaskan ini, maknanya samalah dengan apa yang penceramah pagi ini cakap"

Ouch!


* Note to self - next time, stick to the topic given to be on the safe side, and if I want to venture out of the topic a bit, make sure that I'm really well-versed in it. Like - really, really sure.

*More note to self - it's good to have junior officer who cares enough to double check on stuff because the one in a more senior position is not always right. The service could do with having more officers like Norwin.

*One more note to self - if one made a mistake, don't be afraid to admit it and apologize. It might help make things easier for others even without one realizing it.

Tatkala berjauhan*

(* dengan apologi untuk Kak Lela sebab tiru tajuk mula dengan 'tatkala')

We were 24.
She was pregnant with her first child.
Her husband had to go else where for an assignment.
That morning, her eyes were puffy.
From crying too much

"But he would only be gone for how long? 2? 3 nights?"

"Yes, but you don't understand.
I want him to be my side.
I need him to be my side"

"But you've been on your own for over 23 years without him by your side..."

"You don't understand. Only when you're married, you would understand..."

#####

Fast forward 6 years later.
I was pregnant and hubby was not beside me most of the time.
I don't remember having puffy eyes from too much crying because I missed hubby so much.
And it was not an easy pregnancy, what with me being consistently nauseous until the very morning I gave birth.

Then, 11 days after I gave birth, I left Huzaifah with Mak and Ayah.
Hubby was still attending his KPLI course in Terengganu.
I went to Tokyo alone.
Hubby and Huzaifah only joined me 6 months later.
Still, I don't remember having puffy eyes from too much crying because I missed hubby so much.
In fact I remember thinking that I missed my baby more than my hubby.

So what my friend said to me - about understanding her crying until she got puffy eyes because she missed her husband who was away from home for 2-3 nights - eluded me.

#####

Last week, hubby went to Melaka on Saturday, and returned on Sunday evening.
Sunday evening, I took the kids and bibik to P.D. not long after hubby reached home.
But I made it a point to wait for hubby before leaving because I thought he would only get to see us after he's back from Kedah on Thursday.
Monday morning, hubby went to Kedah to join one "panel hakim yang arif lagi bijaksana" in a Majlis Tilawah Al-Quran for "special education" students.
Monday night we returned from P.D.

Tuesday morning, as I entered the office, one EO asked me, "Nanti Puan pergi Melaka ye Khamis ni?"
"Hah?"
I said no, I didn't know anything about going to Melaka, and usually my EO advised me beforehand about my outstation assignments.

Turned out that during my absence on Monday,
it was decided by upper management for me to give a talk on Thursday in Melaka.
Followed by attending a retreat held in the same hotel until Saturday.
Which means, hubby won't be seeing us on Thursday after all.
We will only see each other on Saturday, insya Allah

#####

No, I still don't feel like crying until my eyes went puffy.
I guess I might not be able to understand what my friend felt 10 years ago after all.
Funny thing is, when ever hubby and I are apart like we are now,
I tend to remember the lyrics from one Westlife song...

Just close your eyes

And you'll be here with me

Just look to your heart

And that's where I'll be

If you just close your eyes

Till you're drifting away

You'll never be too far from me

If you close your eyes

And I know that I've learned the meaning of "sendiri tapi tak sunyi"

Ping Pong - the pics

Remember how 'teruja' I was last time I played ping-pong?
Here are some pictures of that night.
Proof that I grinned all night long - after 8 years of not playing.

By the way Mida, if one turns partially sideways to the camera, planting one foot in front of the other, it might help making one looks thinner - so please don't be deceived by the second photo, hehehe...

Baby Haniyya's new skill

Baby Haniyya has just acquired a new skill.
He now could roll over.
Intentionally (it had happened as 'accidents' before)
Which, right now, merely 2 days after he was circumcised, is not a good thing.
He was circumcised by one Dr Rol (Khairul? Amirul? Azrul?) in Al-Islam Medical Center, formerly known as Kampung Baru Medical Center last Wednesday.
I was in the operation room when they did the 'procedure' on him
It took more than an hour to calm him down after that.
He ended sleeping while "tersedu-sedu".
Must have hurt pretty bad.
Poor baby.
The crying/wailing was really heartbreaking
Poor, poor baby.
(Note to self - next time we want to circumcise a baby boy, do it during the pantang period)

Back to his newly acquired skill.
So he would roll over.
And cried.
Put back in the 'normal' position of lying on his back.
And he would roll over again.
And cried.
It's a vicious circle.

Still, he could meniarap now.
That's a milestone.
Alhamdulillah!

Did I hate weddings?

"How did you feel when you went to your friends' wedding as a single?"

"Huh?"

"Did you feel jealous or envious or...?"

"Nooo... Hahaha, why should I feel jealous or envious???"

#####

The way I remember it, I loved going to weddings.
I'm sure Zarin could testify to this. We'd attended so many kenduri's together.
I guess I just enjoyed sharing the happiness of others during the 'big day'.
Back then I could not afford buying expensive gifts, but I believed that being in presence in itself is almost like a present to the couple.

Anyway, weddings make great "mini reunions" - to catch up with others you otherwise don't get to see often.
Other people's wedding receptions could be a good place to start making observations in planning one's own kenduri. You know - stuff like, "make sure there is food for guests who arrive after 4 p.m. even if lauk kenduri is already finished", or "no sound to come blasting from the stereo during azan", or simply "flowergirls should change into 'normal' clothes as soon as the perarakan is over"

No, I don't hate weddings even when I was single and have reached that certain age when nosy people keep pesking "so, when is your turn?"
(The couple should know that they mean a lot to me if I could anticipate those unwanted questions and still drive a long way or even took a flight just to attend their wedding.)
When I attended a wedding as a single, I don't remember feeling jealous or envious of the bride.
I only wished (to no avail) that I would not be asked "so, when are you going to get married?" by others so often.

Anyway, I also remember my automatic answer being "cuti sekolah" or if asked further, "cuti sekolah bulan 12".
I supposed I must have said that more than 40 times because you know what?
I did get married during school holiday in December.
(The automatic answer to the dreaded question could have been a prayer of sort, after all)
So there.

Cuti-cuti di PD

When we returned to Malaysia late last year, one of the place we visited not long after Raya was PD. We went there together with MIL and third SIL's family.
Last month, during the long weekend of Labor Day, at a last minute notice, my brother Abang, called me up and invited us along with Mak and Ayah to spend the weekend at PD
Last week, as hubby and I realized that we had not bring the kids cuti-cuti elsewhere during the mid-year school holidays, we brought them to (where else but) - PD

#####

When I was small, once in a while, arwah Tok Ayah would take the whole clan - my then still single uncles and aunts and me to Penang. Tok sometimes would invite her brother Tok Chik to join the picnic. Arwah Tok Chik is closer to Ayah's age and his eldest son is my age, so I would have kids my own age to play with. Sometimes, Tok would invite her other brother, Tok Teh, to join the picnic.

As they grew older and began having their own atomic families, my uncles and aunts would go for picnic together in Penang every once in a while. The parents would reminisce their younger days while the kids were busy making their own sweet memories...

Turned out hubby's family too is fond of the beach. Only it's a different one. Since Ayah's family comes from the north, Penang was an obvious spot of choice. Where else, hubby's family lives not that far from Port Dickson, making PD their obvious spot of choice.

#####

I know, I know.
PD is crowded, not as beautiful as it used to be, not as clean as it used to be and might not be the best place to go cuti-cuti.
Still, by looking at my kids' faces enjoying themselves running on the beach, playing with the floaties, tasting the sea water, welcoming the drift of the waves, splashing the water at each other and simply basking in the sun, I couldn't help thinking that (despite all the haze, thinning ozone layer and what nots) there's still something magical about the beach after all...

#####

Mak betul

"But you never told me that your Mak is not actually your mother"
She was surprised to find out that Mak is not my biological mother.

"So, mak betul you kat mana?," she asked.

Mak betul?
As in my actual mother or my biological mother?

"Mak tu mak betul I lah. Ummi tu mak kandung I."

She was stunned.

#####

I don't know why most people co-relate stepmothers with evilness. I guess that's the reason I don't go around telling others that Mak is my stepmother. I especially dislike it when people make comment such as "tapi Mak you tak macam mak tiri pun".

What does that mean? Does that mean that Mak, as a stepmother must be evil like those stepmothers in folklores? And it's universal too - stepmothers have been described negatively be it in "Cinderella" or "Bawang Putih Bawang Merah".

The stereotyped stepmothers are supposed to be mean, jealous of the child or the child's former mother, unfair in treatment and basically bad, bad, bad. So much so that the Malays describe the act of discriminating as "menganak tirikan"

#####

Muslims have been taught to make do'a for our parents after solat since we were small. The common do'a means "Oh Allah, forgive me for all my sins and forgive all my parents' sins, and show Your mercy upon them as they have shown their mercy for me when I was little"

In my do'a, I used "waliwalidiina" (parents), instead of "waliwalidaina" (two parents). Because I want to make do'a not only for my two biological parents, but also to extend the same love and courtesy to my non-biological parent, Mak. It is a 'standing order' of some sort - that when I make do'a for "waliwalidiina' then I pray that the do'a will also includes Mak.

#####

What Is A Mother?

A mother is someone to shelter and guide us,
To love us, whatever we do,
With a warm understanding and infinite patience
And wonderful gentleness, too.
How often a mother means swift reassurance
In soothing our small, childish fears,
How tenderly mothers watch over their children
And treasure them all through the years!
The heart of a mother is full of forgiveness
For any mistake, big or small,
And generous always in helping her family,
Whose needs she has placed above all.
A mother can utter a word of compassion
And make all our cares fall away,
She can brighten a home with the sound of her laughter
And make life delightful and gay.
A mother possesses incredible wisdom
And wonderful insight and skill
In each human heart is that one special corner
Which only a mother can fill!

- Katherine Nelson Davis

#####

If you asked me, the image of the mother (as referred to in the poem) in my mind is Mak.

If you asked me, my "mak betul" is Mak.
To me, she is my actual mother, who did and still do, all the mothering (and grandmothering too)

How critical it is?

Dear Jaja,

You asked me how many kilograms I have gained.
Well, to put it simply - a lot.

Look at it this way.
Back when I was in secondary school my BMI was always below 18.
I could eat a lot and would never gain a pound.
I thought I would never be 'va-va-voom' in any way, I was just too skinny.

Then, as I left high school, I began to gain a bit.
My BMI back then was about 20.
My weight was considered normal and I was glad.

When you knew me back in the old office, by then my BMI was about 21.
I could still eat a lot without putting on weight.
I guess my metabolism rate at that time was quite high, kot.

When I was in Tokyo, after giving birth to Huzaifah and even after giving birth to Humaidi,
my BMI remained at 22-24.
It might have to do with the fact that I used to cycle or walk here and there.
I was also living on the 5th floor with no elevator, so yes, I guess 'exercise' was part of my daily routine whether or not I took it as exercise.

When I returned from Tokyo, I was pregnant with Haniyya.
And I found myself craving for all kind of food and I gained weight "tak hengat punya".
And you know how difficult it is to shed some pounds after giving birth.
Especially if one is breastfeeding.
Now my dear Jaja, my BMI is 27.9
Yes, I'm overweight.

Weight is one thing. Fitness is another.
I know I'm not fit right now.
And not being fit means I get tired easily and find it difficult to cope with two boisterous toddlers and one baby.
So, I know I have to do something about it.
Immediately.

So, I've taken up your advise to start walking.
Walking, cycling and stair climbing - all in all in about 45 minutes.
Plus some gym exercise especially meant to target the abs, upper leg and back areas.
I've heard that it's easier to get into a new exercise regime when you have an exercise partner,
thus I'm glad my hubby is giving his support by going to gym together.
We are trying to commit ourselves to two nights per week, which I think is doable.
And in between I would try to do light exercises at home.

It's okay if it takes time to shed some pounds.
I'm not looking for immediate results.
Otherwise I might as well take up all those slimming programs offered by 'slimming centres'
Hubby and I are taking this as a personal challenge of sort.
When we were in Tokyo, we used to ask ourselves what we would do to prevent our muscles from turning into fat.
Hubby got himself a foldable mountain bike (which was also a farewell gift from Koseki-san, the detective who used to visit us a lot in Masjid Asakusa) as an incentive to continue exercising in Malaysia - but he rarely use it.
So, now we are trying to discipline ourselves to go to the gym at least two nights a week - to lose weight and to get fitter.
Please make do'a for us that we'll stay focused and committed, and I believe I'll be asking for tips from you, from time to time.

P/S: Kit, it's not that I think I look bad. It's just that I need to be more active to keep up with the boys - and you know how lasak my boys can be...

Let's go to the gym

"No, you don't go and waste your money on buying those exercise machine. You will end up not using it because you can always tell yourself that there'll be time for you to use it later, but you'll never use it. You'll never make time. If you want to start exercising, you can start by brisk walking or jogging. You don't have to buy an exercise machine."

So said Mak, a big fan of "The Biggest Loser", the reality tv show on people losing their weight.
Well, I must admit that I'm facing a weight issue right now. And the idea of buying an exercise machine to kickstart an exercise regime of sort did hit my head.

"My dear Kak, you don't need to spend a single sen. You already have sports attire. You already have suitable shoes. You just need to push yourself. Just get up and get out of the house, don't keep lazing around sleeping or doing nothing..."

Well, you know how it is with people who are not THAT motivated yet - there are always excuses...
Why don't I jog in the morning?
Because there are anjing liar in the vicinity in early morning.
Why don't I jog in the evening?
Because it's near maghrib by the time I reach home and tak elok keluar waktu maghrib-maghrib, kan.
Yes, I know.
Excuses, excuses.

Anyway, we've just joined a health related program which allow us to make use of gymnasium and swimming pool facilities for a long time. It's not that near yet not so far from Putrajaya. Hubby is thinking of going to the gym regularly. I told him I would like to go with him too. When we went there yesterday, it was not crowded at all. From the eye of an amateur, the equipments there seem sufficient to help me shed some pounds off, including working on toning specific 'target areas'. And it might be fun to work out with and along hubby.

So, let's go to the gym, and we'll see how things go, yeah?
Now, hubby and I just need to motivate ourselves to get up and get out of the house...

(Pst pst, Dikja, tolong... need tips and recommendations on gym-related exercises...)

Ping Pong

Friday, returned home earlier than usual.
Had a friendly ping-pong match with Petaling District Office, held in Subang, next to Subang Parade
Was the only female player in the team.
Hadn't played ping-pong for about 8 years.

"Takpa puan, kalau puan dah ada asas tu ok dah tu. Bahagian lain ramai (peserta wanita) yang pertama kali main," or so I was told by the Kapitan.

The inter-departmental ping-pong tournament in the office will begin soon. Since our department had already won a few other tournaments, the Kapitan for ping-pong team feels that we should also win (or at least be among the top 3 in) the inter-departmental tournament.

Being the only female player, I was asked to play in the mixed double. I said okay. Long, long ago, I always preferred playing single, but there's no 'female single' in the team - two male singles, two male doubles and one mixed double. So there.

Anyway, (after much cajoling) hubby accompanied me to Subang, to attend the event. Met up with Nana, the female player in Petaling District Office team. And had lots of fun playing ping-pong that night. My partner and I lost our game, but our team won the match 3-2.

"Puan kata dah tak main 8 tahun, tapi tengok ok je," my partner commented.

I grinned. "Betul saya dah lama tak main. Kalau tak, mungkin ada harapan kita boleh menang, hehehe"

True, I need to do lots of training to get back 'the touch'. Just bought a pen-hold ping-pong bat the other day because I'm hopeless with double sided bat. I did not buy a Nittaku bat, since Jusco only had Stiga bats in stock, which was okay with me so long as it's a pen-hold bat.

"Turun la Aras 1, kita training tiap-tiap petang," he continued.

"Insya Allah. Saya pun memang kena rajin practise balik ni... Dah lama sangat tinggalkan, nak kena pick up balik skill lama"

It's something like riding a bicycle. You might not forget how to do it, but doing it after so long of no practice does not necessarily means you can be good at it immediately.

Still, after 8 years of not playing, I had a lot of fun that night, playing on "suka-suka" basis with Nana.
Memang suka lah!

Trivia:
I started playing ping-pong when I was 11. I was in my primary school team as a reserved player.
Ping-pong is one of two games I really play - the other being field hockey. I can play badminton as a social player, played netball for my old office as a 'bidan terjun', hopeless at volleyball, even more hopeless at basketball.
My two brothers are not bad at ping-pong too. Adik especially, since he used to play for the district at state level when he was in primary school (the same primary school I attended)

5 tahun dah?

"Look Again" turned 5 years old today.

5 years.
Honestly, it doesn't feel like I've been blogging that long.
And actually, when I miscarried, I felt like stopping this blog too.
But now I'm glad I didn't stop blogging.
I started this blog to seek some self-satisfaction, some comfort in knowing that my voice is heard, my thoughts are shared...

#####

When we were in Dungun, we first got a double room villa.
One room is a twin room, while the other equipped with a double bed.
We had to share one bathroom which Mak described as "macam bilik air rumah tumpangan Ah Seng".
There was a spacious "living area", the reason for which why we were charged RM250, where else a standard room would only cost RM100.
Mak asked for a change - so that we could be assigned to two standard rooms, each with its own bathroom (but no 'living area', which were fine with me since having such area only means bigger space for Huzaifah & Humaidi to 'lompat-panjat-guling-guling', and cause headache for the adults).
There were vacancies, so we moved into two standard rooms, with air-conditioning that worked better than the ones in the earlier 'villa' and better bathrooms too.

"I don't understand why you didn't complain and asked for a change sooner," Mak said. We waited to see if the air-cond would turn cooler first before asking for the 'transfer' into standard rooms. And there were no intercom/in-house phone, so we had to walk a few blocks to the reception area to ask for the 'transfer'.

"It takes so little to please you, Kak"

"Which could be seen as a positive or negative trait under different circumstances," I replied.

#####

It's true.
It doesn't take much to please me.
I've been blogging for 5 years.
I've shared part of my life - since I was single until I'm a mother of three.
I've shared some tips as a Muslim Malaysian living in Tokyo, Japan.
I've shared some tips on how to score in PAC (this entry is one of Look Again's all-time top hits entry)
I only have 5 followers (1 for each year?),
but I'm pleased.
I know I'm not in any way a "blogger tegar",
but I guess I've found my own niche audience,
and for that I'm grateful.
Alhamdulillah.